Be a swapper not a (mood) swinger

redheadIt’s hard to cry beautifully isn’t it? To look in control and not contorted. Not puffy and pokey eyed. I’ve had a couple of moments where tears have flowed this week and I know that it’s not my best look, inside and definitely out! My eyes get puffy really quickly, even from just a couple of tearful outbursts and it takes ages, and I mean ages for them to settle down again. Which means that crying in secret, those times when you weep a little over a sad film on Facebook or a picture of a cute something are not secret events for me.

I’ve been aware that I’ve not consciously felt extremely strong emotions during this journey over the past couple of months and as strange as that may sound, it has surprised me. Prior to this battle my diagnosis, I would feel things very deeply and was an easy crier at sad films, news stories and so on. But recently my easily dispensed tears have not been so much in evidence and that felt a little odd, like I was keeping them buried and somewhere out of sight <cue all those people who are currently nodding their heads and thinking ‘I told you it wouldn’t do any good to keep it all in, it had to come out sometime’…………..>

Well these past few days have rediscovered those swings of emotion and the leaking effect that it can have on your eyes. Yesterday in particular was one of those days where it felt that if things could be frustrating and not go as seamlessly as I’d planned it was going to happen.

As we tried to set up my Radiotherapy treatment barriers kept getting in the way and decisions changed that all culminated in things getting put further and further back. There is the potential now that I’ll have another period of waiting possibly until August, until my month of Radiotherapy can start. Yes, August. A month where my fantasy brain had already diarised ‘All done, move forward’. When you work for yourself, this brings the added complication of when you can commit to work and what potential clients think about you and your availability and reliability.

Cue tears and lots of them. Those cross, angry and frustrated ones that make you feel both good and bad at the same time.

Feeling powerless is a frustrating emotion. It makes you less tolerant of typically everyday minor mistakes and incidents and is the stuff that builds mountains out of molehills. It can make your judgement slip and rash decisions made when you feel that a solution- any solution- has got to be found to propel you out of your current fug. I admit I was mega disproportionately irritated when an email regarding my treatment plan commenced Dear Mr Albone……..

A happy afternoon spent with a lovely friend eating chocolate cake and heading out on a secret squirrel mission helped to distract me and an evening in the pub followed by a long walk in the sunshine with Steve gradually helped to restore my equilibrium.

This morning we were I was back in teary mode, tears at dog videos, tears at emails and tears just because. I genuinely hope that this isn’t the way things are going to be. It was especially concerning as I had to have a blood test to check my hormone levels today; I’d say they were up.

My GP is totally and utterly fabulous. She’s always running up to an hour late because she genuinely cares more about the people than the targets. As I sat down for my appointment with her this morning she opened up the conversation by saying ‘Well this is all bloody unfair isn’t it?’ She’s so refreshing and replenishing to be with. This is the first time I’ve seen her since it all kicked off and so we caught up on what had been happening and what needs to be nudged now. She’s one of those people who, if slightly and wonderfully ditzy in a professional way, makes it all ok. I spent a little longer with her than the national targets and guidelines say I should, but it was good medicine.

I’ve decided to stop crying now and instead I’ve become a swapper. Not a (mood) swinger, a swapper.

It’s called The Perfect StrPerfect strangersangers Project and I saw this event last year and just missed the sign up date, but this year I’m on it and in it. You sign up and then get matched with someone else either in your own country or anywhere else in the world. You choose which option. The once the date for final sign up’s has passed (it’s June 15th by the way, next Monday) you get matched and you send a package to your perfect stranger and they send one to you. It can literally contain anything. When you sign up you can write a note about yourself to give your perfect stranger a bit of a hint about you and what you like and hopefully when I’m matched I’ll get a bit of an overview to help me think about the contents of my package.

I love the wording on the site, like this for example:

The Perfect Strangers Project is about giving. Fingers crossed, it’s also about receiving! But not all strangers are perfect. If you’re low on money or Good Energy, a swap may not be for you at the moment, because you could be getting a gorgeous gift, or nothing at all. Do something for yourself instead: speak to a good friend, cook your favourite food, run a hot bubble bath. If you do go ahead with the swap, remember to only put in the money or energy you can afford to lose.

https://www.perfectstrangers.co/info/about

I’m wondering what else to swap now? #TeamFedUp & #TeamHormoneDangerZone for #TeamPositive for a start.

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6 thoughts on “Be a swapper not a (mood) swinger

  1. ‘people cry not because they are weak but because they have been strong for too long’

    You have been so strong throughout this experience and I think it’s the little voices telling you to be so that has stunted your tears, you have shown yourself to be ‘ok’ so that we might be, I admire you so much for that.

    I am glad the tears have began to flow and cleanse some of the emotions, even if it has resulted in puffiness! ( mental note, pick up cooling fave pack and drop round)

    xx

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    1. Thank you for your wise words kay571 how we all cope I guess, is both in the moment and reflectively. It’s all happened so fast in some ways that it’s only now I have time to process it and waiting around for treatment gives you that time xx

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